Couple caught in mosque sex romp

Tried to be as tabloid as possible. Yup, a couple were caught doing the dirty in a mosque in Kenya. Not exactly sure what to say...

One or two...

There've been a few Nigeria related stories surfacing in the British newspapers recently. The one that caught my eye, was the British Chancellor Gordon Brown's proclamation that Nigeria was a breeding ground for religious extremists. When I heard him say it, I remember thinking, "what the heck is he on about?" But on closer examination, his source (Bono) has a point. I always shout about Nigeria's post September 11 Osama baby name craze, and the country's Taliban wannabes as reasons why Gordon Brown's claim is plausible. The Telegraph had a little write-up a couple of weeks ago.

Mark Tran of the Guardian, has written a mini-analysis of the Niger Delta's oil curse.

North Korea tests nuclear weapon

We're all gonna die!

A nation's laziness

No doubt most you have seen the documentary on Nigeria Village Square, the one about General Vatsa's execution at the hands of Babangida's regime. The documentary is called "Babangida and Vatsa: A Widow's Pain, A General's Burden", except that we don't hear about Gen Vatsa until the 29th minute, more than half way through the film.

The scriptwriter/producer made a hash of a job, considering what could have potentially been an entertaining documentary. The casting was good, with the Effiong guy, Vatsa widow and son. But the narrator said "coup d'etats", when it's actually "coups d'etat". I'm obviously quibbling here, and most Nigerians will say I'm commiting hateration. I won't slag it off anymore, but it's disappointing viewing.

What the documentary brought home above all else is how docile Nigerians are. Our armed robbers and vagrants are happy to use violence to get their way. Except that they do it against defenceless civilians, and not to the military governments that terrorised Nigeria in the past. There is no reason for a country with Nigeria's population to be so dominated, even by military power. The men in khakis kept coming back because they Nigerians would do diddly squat.

If you look at the ten most populous countries in the world, none of them have stood, or are standing for the crap we've been dealt. Correct me if I'm wrong:

1. China. Population of over a billion. How free are they? Not very. However, modern China was founded on Mao's Cultural Revolution, which the Chinese believe/believed in. China is changing rapidly, and the people there are effecting change.
2. India. World's largest democracy. Free.
3. USA. Democracy. Free.
4. Indonesia. General Suharto ruled fo 30 years, before being pushed out in 1998, during the Indonesian Revolution. It took 30 years but the people still did it.
5. Brazil. Democracy. Even though they had military presidents between 1969 and 1985, Brazilians still had a large say in how they were governed. In 1985, people power put pressure on the government, and the military was sent back to the barracks.
6. Pakistan. Military dictatorship. General Musharraf came to power in 2001 after the military had been out of power since 1998. Something is brewing in Pakistan. Musharraf is a pro-US, war on teror supporter. The people under him seem to be trying to undermine him, by, say, supporting the Taliban in Afghanistan
7. Bangladesh. Democracy. Free.
8. Russia. Democracy-ish. Free-ish. Putin's authoritarian streak is the complaint.
9. Nigeria. Democracy. Free, but never fought for anything. Military let Nigerians have power, and then gave them their very own civilian military president. Surprise, surprise.
10. Japan. Democracy. Free.

See my point? Most countries do something, but we're just happy to sit there and let things happen to us. How can you subdue 120 million people? You can't, unless they're Nigerian.

More blood

Militants have attacked an oil facility in the Niger Delta. As at 1954hrs this evening, the latest reports said 14 soldiers (according to AFP) had been killed.

Independence gloom

Happy Independence day. But things are gloomy up north in Zamfara state where a dam has collapsed and killed 40 people. Read more...

A bit much

Accusing Atiku of financial crimes is one thing, but accusing him of plotting murder is on another level of severity. The fight between OBJ and Atiku couldn't get any uglier. This is stage where court proceedings must start. Either OBJ's posse are taken to court for their inflammatory and possibly libelous remarks, or Atiku is prosecuted for what are clear allegations of criminality.

Clean Duke

Nuhu Ribadu might have just won the presidential nomination for Donald Duke. Revealing that Duke is the only governor not being investigated by the EFCC should put him in good stead for the presidency, should he decide to run. Also, suspending Atiku from the PDP is pure politics. It's a ruthless game, especially when you tango with OBJ.

I'm also curious as to who this world's biggest thief is. Surely it's someone who was formerly in government, as ordinary 419 criminals don't have access to funds as large as those in government coffers. We all have names in our heads, and of course there was that supposed World Bank email which circulated and mentioned a few prominent names and the amounts stolen. But publishing that would be libelous...

Ubuntu

My byline in today's G2.

Eagle's Throne

Below is a passage taken from an epistolary novel, The Eagle's Throne, by the Mexican writer, Carlos Fuentes. It is a letter written by Nicolás Valdivia who, now in government, goes to the Old Man for advice. The president has just died, and there's a vacuum and struggle for who will eventually replace him. The Old Man (who always has a parrot with him) is a former president, and has his finger on the pulse. He's telling Valdivia about an elected president, Moctezuma Moro, who was murdered before he could take up office.

The passage is a reminder of how difficult it is for democracy to take hold in the developing world. Mexico was essentially a one-party state until Vicente Fox and his National Action Party (NAP) broke the jinx in 2000. There has been a struggle between the NAP candidate, Felipe Calderón (who won officially), and Andrés Manuel López Obrador, the left winger who has challenged the results - even declaring himself head of a parallel government.

Some things for context. In Mexico, presidents are allowed only one six-year term. The seat of the presidency is called the Eagle's Throne. Cárdenas refers to Lázaro Cárdenas, president of Mexico between 1934 and 1940.

'An honest man,' the Old Man said. 'I can vouch for that. He thought of himself as the Hercules who was going to clean the stables of Mexican politics. And I warned him, "It's dangerous to be really honest in this country. Honesty may be admirable but it ends up as a vice. You have to be flexible in the face of corruption. I know you're honest, Tomás, but close your eyes - like divine justice - in the face of the corruption of the rest of them. Remember, firstly, that corruption lubricates the system. Most politicians, government employees, contractors, etc, won't have another opportunity to get rich once the six-year presidential term is over. They'll go back to oblivion. But they want to be forgotten, so that nobody accuses them of anything, and rich, so that nobody bothers them. Then another gang of villains will turn up, but denying them the chance to pocket anything would be a mistake.

'"What you need," I told Tomás, "is to surround yourself with scoundrels, because you can control the corrupt. It's the pure man who's the problem, the one who gets in your way. In Mexico there should be only one honest man, the President, surrounded by a lot of tolerated and tolerable scoundrels who in six years' time will disappear from the political map.

'"The bad thing about you," I said to Tomás Moctezuma Moro, "is that you want the map and the land to match. Look, live at peace in the centre of the map and let the labourers of corruption cultivate the land.'"

The Old Man sighed and I could almost feel a tremor in the hand that was pressing down on mine with incredible strength.

'He didn't listen to me, Valdivia. He proclaimed his redemptive intentions right, left and centre. That way, he believed, he'd gain the greatest popular support. And he was acting out of conviction, without a doubt. He was going to put an end to corruption. He said it was the lowest form of stealing from the poor. That's what he said. The thieves were going to jail. The poor would have protection against abuse.

'"Slow down Tomás," I told him. "They're going to crucify you if you go round playing the redeemer. Don't announce what you intend to do. Do those things when you're sitting on the Throne, just like Cárdenas did. Don't destroy the system. You're part of it. Good or bad, it's the only one we've got. What are you going to replace it with? You can't just invent something overnight. Be satisfied with making an example of a few scapegoats at the beginning of your term. Make a moral statement early on and then you can rest." But he didn't listen to me. He was a Messiah. He believed in what he was saying.'

I was stunned. He crossed himself.

'Who killed him Valdivia? The cast list is enormous as the cast list of the film The Ten Commandments. Do you remember? Drug-traffickers. Local bosses. Governors. Local presidents. Corrupt judges. Bent policemen. Bankers fearful that Moro would take away the public subsidies that financed their private incompetence. Union leaders afraid that Moro would force them to be voted on and approved by their union members. Truck drivers overpricing their merchandise. Millers exploiting the corn-producing local farmers. Loggers turning forests into deserts. New land owners controlling land, seeds and tractors, while impoverished farmers continued to use the ox and the wooden plough.'

Did the Old Man sigh, or was it the parrot?

'The list is endless, I tell you...'

It's hard, this democracy thing, isn't it?

'Cos we need more rubbish

The story of the toxic waste that has been killing people in Abidjan is appalling. What riled me even more late last night as I listened to another report about the incident, is that the company, Trifigura, tried to dump their rubbish in Nigeria. They've now released a press statement saying that the stuff wasn't toxic - as if that makes it better. This is what Western companies do. They go to developing countries where there is little or no environmental legislation, and commit crimes they'd get locked up for in their own country.

The oil companies do it in Nigeria with gas flaring, where more gas is flared than any other country in the world. In Bangladeshi, the government had to cancel plans to build a coalmine after adverse publicity from the project. Several people died during protests over a project that would have destroyed hundreds of villages. The company, Asia Energy, wouldn't let journalists travel to the area, for obvious reasons. The Daily Star newspaper of Bangladesh even says that there are lessons to learn from Nigeria's industrial and environmental experiences.

Africa is always painted as this verdant and fertile land, the place to be in tune with nature. Perhaps it was true 100 years ago, when rich explorers travelled to the Dark Continent to shoot game, but that myth is literally disappearing. Deforestation, overfarming, desertification, famine, flooding, landslides, you name it, the continent is afflicted by it. The saddest thing is that Africa gets all the environmental carnage you'd expect from the industrial revolution, but none of the benefits. No increase in technological know-how, no increase in job prospects, just plain old rubbish.

Nigeria has no waste disposal mechanism. There are piles of rubbish which engulf roads and trap communities in Lagos. I have seen enormous piles of rubbish being burnt in built-up areas like Maryland. Lagos, and Nigeria in general, can't deal with its own waste, so how on earth was it supposed to deal with excess waste from abroad? The Dutch company that considered disposing of the rubbish suddenly raised its rate to 40 times the originial price. 40 times. "This is too expensive, let's go to the bend-down boutique of waste disposal. Let's go to Africa", they thought.

And so the crap gets dumped in one of Africa's most beautiful cities (don't know if civil unrest has ravaged it). People die. Nothing changes. Some people have been arrested for the dumping, but what if the stuff hadn't been dumped in the largest city, Abidjan? If they had gone further up the coast to smaller San Pedro, nobody would have flickered an eyelid.

The defecation on Africa happens because the governments let it happen, and the companies can get away with it there. There seems almost no point to the law unless it's used. Trifigura and the like need to know what they're letting themselves in for if they go near the African coast with their crap.

Ode to (the) Gambia

Several African countries hold a special emotional tug on my heart. Ghana, Cameroon, Somalia, Zambia, Gambia, are some of them, mainly because of friends I had in secondary school who were from those places. Most people who went to my school are armed to the teeth with teases for any of these countries. Nigerians bore the brunt of most of the teases, for reasons far too obvious and numerous to mention.

One of our favourites was the Gambia, or Gambia. The "the" was adopted in 1965, after independence, probably to aspire to some lofty African Kingdom. The "the" isn't used much anymore, a sign that men in cravattes are dying out. Gambia's in the news; Yahya Jammeh, or the Mosquito Soldier (or something similar) as we called him in school has won a third term in office.

Yahya Jammeh (pictured) is a fascinating character who became Gambian president in a military coup in 1994. Aged just 29, he was the world's youngest president. Before the elections, the man reportedly declared that he would rule Gambia for another four decades. I can't find a reference for it, but will put one up when I do. We called him Mosquito Soldier because he was as skinny as a mosquito, would probably cave under the weight of a rifle, and he wore those oversized aviator sunglasses so beloved of African military rulers. None of us could understand why a tiny country like Gambia should have a coup. What was there to control? At the time, the population was just over a million people.

Sir Dawda Jawara had been a sit-tight leader, having been president for 24 years when he was ousted. There was an attempted coup d'état in 1981, which was thwarted by the Gambia's neighbour, Senegal's army. It'd be interesting to find out the course of the 1981 coup, because the Gambia didn't have an army. So heaven knows how they planned to seize power.

That coup was the turning point in Gambia's modern history, because after that an army was established. And now the clincher, Nigeria had a hand in training their army. In the '80s, military assistance came from many countries, inlcuding the US, and the UK. But in the '90s, after some unrest in the newly formed army, Nigerian army officers were actually in charge of the Gambian army.

In school, it was our idea of playground intellectual talk, just like we'd debate about capital punishment, and the role of America as world police (how some things never change). For some of us, it was thoroughly amusing that the Gambia had never witnessed a successful coups d'etat. But put Nigeria in charge of the army, and voila! The Gambia was tiny, they didn't need an army, we'd mutter to ourselves. And when they get an army, the ask the land of Abacha, Babangida, Buhari to look after affairs - bad idea.

After the 1981 coup attempt, the confederation of Senegambia was established with Senegal. The union didn't last too long, but made a lot of sense. Gambia is the smallest country in Africa, a tiny strip of land around the River Gambia less than 50km wide. It is surrounded on all sides by Senegal, except in the west, where the River Gambia opens out into the Atlantic. Basically, they Gambia is almost like an autonomous part of the Senegal which speaks English.

Senegal and the Gambia are more or less the same. Same cultures, same languages, same religions. The reason for the split can be traced back to colonial times, and the so called Scramble for Africa (Thomas Pakenham's book, highly recommended). The French grabbed the land around the Senegal River, the British grabbed the land around the River Gambia. So post-colonial era some speak French, and some speak English.

Gambians are extremely warm and hospitable. Ever had a traditional Gambian meal? When I'd go to friends' for Eid, the food was normally an incredible rice dish, laced with healthy morsels of lamb. They'd serve it on a large tray, and everyone (I remember up to six of us) would sit around the tray and tuck in. We used our hands, scooped some rice, squeezed out the oil (it was always quite oily), and tossed the dollop in our mouths. Excuse me while I drool.

Being the smallest country in Africa, our Gambian friends faced jibes by the hundreds. Some of the ones I remember, and still make me chuckle: Gambia's so small that when I was flying over, I blinked and I missed it. My personal favourite was: Gambia's so small that if you leave the tap on for five minutes you'll cause a flood.

Here's to the Gambia.

Modern Minstrels

The Guardian's Hannah Pool is hacked off by Kate Moss's "blacking up" on the cover of Thursday's Independent (see picture). Basically, Ms Moss is supposed to be representing Africa, so she puts on some make-up, and takes a few photos. Et voila, a Moor emerges.

Even though I'm black, I've never been able to build up enough bilious rage to be upset by people blacking up. Either it's not offensive at all, or it's one of those latent forms of racism which some black people ( I have been one in the past) don't realise is being targetted at them. Nevertheless, Hannah Pool puts up a robust argument about why she finds blacking up despicable:

Have you ever wondered what Kate Moss would look like as a black woman? No, me neither, but for those of you who have - well now we know, thanks to a picture taken by Nick Knight for yesterday's Africa issue of the Independent newspaper.

You can just imagine the meeting. "Let's do an Africa issue," says Well Meaning Executive Number 1. "Great, who shall we get on the cover? Iman? Naomi?" asks WME 2. "Nah ... too obvious. I know, how about Kate Moss? Let's make her look African!" Cue much back-slapping at their own cleverness, followed by, perhaps, a lunch of jollof rice and curried goat to seal the deal. Read on...

There's also a history of blacking up to accompany Hannah Pool's piece.

Strife in Jigawa

"Religious" strife in Jigawa state after someone apparently insulted the Prophet Mohammad. Religious violence exists in Nigeria, but one can't understate the ability of jobless louts to seize the insulting of a religious figure to loot, slash, and burn. Or even using the situation for political ends, with elections coming up and all that.

Anybody with access to a radio, television, newspapers, or internet, would know the consequences of bandying the Prophet Mohammad's name willy-nilly. And the rioters would know that burning churches is so last week in the West Bank (pictured), rather passé . What Jigawa needs is not arrests, but internet. It would solve all the ignorance problems.

Babaginda is a twit.

The misspelling of Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida's name is intentional. In the 1980s and '90s when I used to go to Cameroon on holiday, a friend of mine, used to call him "Babaginda". We were about seven-years-old at the time, so he could be forgiven for his oversight. It always makes me laugh when I remember it, because at the time, I thought it was just how Francophone people pronounced Nigerian names.

IBB is serious. After last month's report in the FT about him wanting to run for president in next year's general elections, he has now revealed his plans to the rest of Africa. He appeared on the BBC World Service programme, Network Africa, this morning; listen to the interview. I'm seething with rage. The irascible Jeremy Paxman once said that when he interviews politicians, he thinks, "why is this lying bastard lying to me?" That's how I think of Babangida. Why is this fat, lying, coup plotting, thieving general lying to me?

He never gave anyone the benefit of anything constitutional, and he now clings onto it for the chance to run for president. The constitution needs to be rewritten. Any constitution that can allow Babangida to run for president, within 13 years of him plunging Nigeria into the madness that was Abacha, deserves the paper shredder treatment. Barefaced cheek.

In 2000, the late Pierre Salinger, White House press secretary during JFK's administration, said that if Bush won, he'd leave the US. He made good on his promise, and moved to France, where he died in 2004. If IBB wins, consider me a Nigerian exile. I will not set foot on Nigerian soil so long as IBB is president.

If Nigeria votes IBB in, they deserve him and everything he does to them. After all, people get the governments they deserve. By far the worst IBB-related sentiment I've heard is the "na him spoil am, so make e come fix am" claptrap. Apparently, when a builder through shoddy workmanship, brings down your house, you should invite him once again to rebuild it. You're right, it doesn't make sense.

This is the part where I'm supposed to implore all right thinking Nigerians "not to vote for him, because I really love my country, and I really like visiting, and please don't make me stay away." Bollocks. Not voting for IBB should go without saying. Like nobody should have to tell an adult not to put their hand in fire, or not to smear dog poo on their face. It's common sense. No person with a brain would do these things, so why vote for IBB?

The same goes for Buhari, and all the other power hungry maximum military leaders. Stay in the bloody barracks.

Flame off.

Beginner's guide to bloodless coups

The Thai coup d'etat is pure text book. For anyone who doesn't know how to organise and execute a successful and bloodless coup, here are the steps:

1. Wait until the president is playing the role of world statesman abroad. If you can help it, make sure he's gone to a gathering of his peers, such as the UN general assembly. In Africa in the 80s, the overthrown leader would likely have been military, and he would have been attending that most prestigious of khaki parades, the OAU. At such a gathering, one can assume that many of his bezzie mates would laughed at him - for getting his chair pulled from under him.
2. Roll your tanks into the capital city and declare marshal law. Threatening to shoot anybody who moves an inch, oddly enough, gets you in the good books of the citizens.
3. You must, must, shut down all media. If possible, play the kitsch patriotic military music, as this should remove the people's will to live, let alone stage a demonstration.
4. Make sure you suspend the current constitution. After doing that, you need the coup de grace. Promise to restore democracy. The point of suspending the current rule of law is so that later, you can restore a new and improved military one.
5. Even though this is not your doing, people will take to the streets. They will take pictures with tanks, celebrate with soldiers, welcome the new regime. Take credit for it, and say you're doing the will of the people.

The people will eventually get disillusioned with you. Then another military faction will take over. Repeat cycle until oil, terrorists, or communists are found in your country, at which point the US will invade.

Shimmer and Chinua

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie piece in Satruday's Guardian. I'm beginning to feel like her friggin' publicist.

More on plane crash

OBJ cancels his speech to World Bank meeting after the deaths of several Nigerian army generals in a plane crash.

Humourous

You have to hand it to al-Qaeda in Iraq. They have nothing if not a sense of humour. The text comes from the AFP news agency.

"Al-Qaeda in Iraq said in response to remarks by Pope Benedict XVI linking Islam with violence, that it will wage jihad (holy war) until the West is defeated, in a statement posted on the Internet Monday."

That resolves everything...

Weekend reading

Paul Kennedy essay, on the reform of the UN to be discussed at in New York at forthcoming UN General Assembly.

Banning of emaciated waif skeletal fashion types at London Fashion Week.

David Oyelowo, of notorious Shoot the Messenger fame, on kids sticking with the Bard.

Launch of Tinubu backed party in Nigeria.

Crash of military aircraft in Nigeria.