Predictions for Her Majesty's Realm in 2006

I shall gaze into my crystal ball, and give free advice to those who want to make a killing at Ladbrokes, or some illegal betting ring. These are the tips for 2006:

1. Tony Blair steps down as PM, but Labour skip a generation, leaving Brown as the greatest nearly man since Roy Jenkins. Douglas Alexander is crowned leader.

2. Tony Blair confesses to really being a Tory and crosses the floor.

3. Heterosexual partnerships are made illegal. All people must find same sex partners or face being forced to use the Northern Line for all their travels. Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow are the first to pair up.

4. The Queen abdicates, but Charles and William are passed over. Harry becomes king. The coronation takes place in a Walkabout pub, and the new King's Guards wear Nazi Stormtrooper uniforms.

5. Lord Lucan is revealed to be alive. His true identity is revealed to be _____ (fill in the blank)

6. Beagle 2 is found in a Tesco trolley in a rubbish tip outside Slough. It apparently never left the Earth's atmosphere.

7. Super reality show is invented - Celebrity wife swapping with pop idols faking it who want to be the weakest millionaire in the Big Brother house invaders.

8. Nobody watches super reality show. Sold to North Korea, where the show pacifies Kim Jong-il. The maximum leader allows Mcdonalds and Starbucks into Pyongyang. "Make chicken nuggets, not war", is his message to mankind.

9. England win the World Cup. They play Germany in the final, and the fans don't riot. Or mention the War. Or mention 1966. Or sing the theme tune from the Great Escape.

10. Following the events mentioned in 9, hell starts to freeze as pigs are seen flying over Loch Ness.

Go forth and conquer. You have no excuse not to bet your house on all these things happening. If they happen and you haven't bet your soon-to-disappear pension on it, you'll be kicking yourself.