Jesucristo el Radical

In a spirit of Easter resurrection cheer, and in a rebuff to those who think I'm a heretical blasphemous anti-Christian propangandist, I dedicate this blog to the philosophy and politics of Jesucristo. Oh, and also pure pragmatism, as I'd like to have as many "favourable documents" as possible to show Saint Peter when I reach the Pearly Gates. "What do you mean you won't let me in? But I said He was a radical, surely that episode got me some Brownie points. No? You wait while I fetch my posse..."

The most common complaint that people make about Jesucristo is that He is irrelevant to modern times. They didn't have the internet in ancient Judea, nor did they have gas guzzling SUVs. WWJD - what would Jesus drive? Donkey, duh... However, good philosophy stays the distance and can be relevant to any epoch, ancient or modern. And as the Christian faith is being attacked from all angles by Da Vinci Code conspiracy theories, and Judas gospel (the scoundrel!) fantasists, all good men must stand up for the teachings of Jesucristo.

Now, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this, so I cannot be wrong. Do not even attempt to contradict me, lest I strike thee down with the Lord's staff of wrath. Thank you for your submission, sorry, cooperation.

1. European Working Time Directive, which seeks to restrict the working hours of employees all over Europe, so that they can live healthy lives, work-life balance, and all that good stuff. Would Jesucristo support it? Yes. He was all about chilling and relaxing. In fact I'd go as far as to say that he saw himself as a walking health spa. "Come unto me, all ye who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28
2. Jesucristo was in full support of women's rights, since after all, His father hadn't married His mother when she fell preggars, and people in Judea must have thought evil of his mother, "you dirty *insert expletives*". Also, the fact that He allowed that reformed slapper Mary Magdalene at His feet while He was on the cross. - Mark 15:40
3. Jesucristo would have opposed "tescoisation/walmartisation" of the Christian faith. He would have railed against the BOGOF (buy one get one free) gospel, the half price on miracles this weekend, and the teachings of the Gospel according to Greenback. Otherwise, why would have kicked out the men in suits, ringing tills and holding calculators in the temple? - Matthew 21
4. Alcohol. One of the more contentious of Christian doctrine. The popular argument in favour of copious consumption of alcohol is the fact that one of Jesucristo most popular miracles was turning water into wine in John 2. Even atheists would have such a man at their dinner party in a heartbeat. There's also Jesucristo, in Luke 22, giving his disciples wine at the Last Supper (even though the word "wine" isn't stated explicitly in the King James Version, but traditionally they would have had wine at the Passover). But the clincher is Mark 2:22 when He talks expertly about wine storage, "And no man putteth new wine into old bottles: else the new wine doth burst the bottles, and the wine is spilled, and the bottles will be marred: but new wine must be put into new bottles." If I didn't know any better, I'd have said Jesucristo was a wine distiller by trade and not a carpenter. Did he have a cellar full of 59BC Pinot Noirs? Sounds like it.
5. Sex. What would Jesucristo have made of sex in today's highly sexualised world? I dunno, this is not sermon. Go somewhere else for that.
6. The UN World Food Programme. With 8 million people in East Africa facing starvation, the WFP could do with Jesucristo's fish and bread multiplying skills right now, or just some money from the donors. In Matthew 14, his disciples said that they had only five loaves of bread and two fishes, but He fed five thousand people with that, and still had left-overs. Wastrels! Sad thing is, such a miracle done today would have been decried by the anti-GM lobby. Instant fish and bread, just add water!
7. Global warming. Jesucristo would say it was our fault the world was heating up (which frankly I have no problem with, you should be here in winter). Why? Because we, as human beings, have control over the fate of our planet. If not, in Mark 4:35-41, He would not have told them to deal with the storm themselves. Back then he told them to rebuke the winds and command it to stop. This is obviously an indication of how much things have deteriorated. Back then, one could just talk to the weather and tell the silly thing to calm down. But now, one has to armed to the teeth with portable fans, umbrellas, arctic winter jackets, and blind faith in the weatherman's guesses.
8. Vegetarians. Ah. Would Jesucristo have approved of vegetarianism? I fear he may have, and this is where me and the great man part ways . In Luke 7:28, Jesucristo said of John the Baptist, "Among those that are born of women there is not a greater prophet than John the Baptist". And this of a man who, in Matthew 3:4, ate locusts and wild honey. Heaven forfend!

And there concludes the lesson on the philosophy of Jesús, hijo de Dios (son of God). I hope I have succeeded in painting him as a sandal wearing, lentil eating, Guardian reading, left-wing, feminist, eco-warrior, antiestablishment, anti-globalisation, flower child, radical. Peace be upon thee, dude.