So, Orji Uzo Kalu has access to the internet, and knows what Google Earth is, except he calls it "Gogo Ett". Where does Nigeria get these people from? How did he sign his name on his gubernatorial candidacy form, let alone win an election? What in tarnation makes him think that he should be president of Nigeria? These are just a few of the questions I've been wrestling with since I saw Kalu on Hardtalk.
I kept cringing and wanting to change the channel, but these things are like car crashes, gruesome but compelling. What upset me more than anything was Kalu's lack of even a feather - no substance. He had neither character nor charisma, like a brown paper bag. It is forgiveable for politicians to have ideas, but be rubbish as expressing them. It happens all the time. In fact, more often than not, politicians are adept at expressing non-ideas brilliantly. But lacking both ideas and powers of expression should be punishable by guillotine. And firing squad. And electric chair. And hanging. All at once.
If you compare Kalu to George W Bush, that other great mangler of the English language, Bush is an eminently more electable person. For despite the fact that Bush butchers his syntax all the time, he is still an eminently good speaker. Hear him at press conferences and interviews, and journos always have a solid soundbite to run on 24 hour news. Not the stolid sub-platitudes spewing forth from Kalu's mouth.
On another level, Kalu has no beer factor. Were you a drinking man, who will you rather have a bear with? I'm willing to bet that nobody would pick Kalu, unless they were kneecaped, and had their teeth taken. No redeeming features. Nada. Nothing.
As Walter Mondale said to Gary Hart in the 1980 presidential elections, "Where's the beef". Kalu stands for nothing but himself. I like to hang on to the romantism that most politicians are in it for the good. Quite often, they might traverse many good intentioned roads, but eventually end up in hell. Kalu has no such. He is just Orji Uzo Kalu, with nothing to offer the Abia state, Nigeria, or the world.