Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Superman Returns - he needn't have

**Spoiler warning**

A disappointing summer blockbuster. The film itself is the answer to Lois Lane's Pullitzer winning article, "Why the world doesn't need Superman." When the lights dimmed for the start of the film, the mainly adult audience applauded. This was their chance to relive their childhood, but a more effects laden childhood.

Superman is just as geeky as Clark Kent, and the choice of James Marsden (who plays Cyclops in the X-Men series) as Lois Lane common law husband is a bad one. You half expect him exhibit some superhuman strength and save Lois in times of trouble. The silly hairdresser's nightmare S-curl is ever-present. Superman goes underwater, comes back out, curl remains the same. Surely the filmmakers know a 12A audience are old enought not to buy that guff. Besides, no hair spray is that good.

Brandon Routh looks like Superman should, and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor is about the best thing in the film, constantly stealing scenes. The relationship between Clark and Lois is as exciting as a wet, bacteria-infested kitchen rag. Lois now has a little sprog, Jason, who is Superman's seed. So they say. There aren't enough clues as to whether Superman and Lois Lane had a proverbial post-coital cigarette, shortly after they supposedly made little Jason. They were in love, they spent a night together, but did they do the dirty? Who knows.

There are also some Christian allusions drawn in the film. Superman is his father's only son, who's been sent to save the world. After his last heroic act of the film, he falls into a deep coma, possibly even dead. He spends some time there. Three days? When the nurse goes back into the room, he's not there. Has his body been stolen? Nah. He is risen. Superman is always there, omnipotent and omnipresent.

My main beef with Superman though, is his costume. In his five year trawl through space, he must have discovered starch. His leather cape always looks starched. It still flutters, but remains solid nonetheless. The shoes look like they could have come from "Shoefayre", the ones where the shop has had a closing down sale for as long as one can remember, and where everything is BOGOF. Underpants on top of tights are a fashion no-no in the noughties, and should be left in the 20th century. Apologies, but no concessions should even be made for the Man of Steel. Above all, where is his crotch? What kind of man wears briefs and his "bits" don't have a bulge. Not even slightly. Where did it all go? Very worrying.

Superman, go back to Krypton.

9 comments:

Vixen said...

Omo, this is a great review. And the ending could have been done a WHOLE lot better. It was a letdown for me as well

Anonymous said...

I'm hurt you watched Superman without me! Who am I going to watch it with when I get back this Friday? Anyway, I don't care what you say, I'M STILL GOING TO WATCH IT.

Onya Baquebeich said...

I kinda liked it. My main beef was simply that his cape has changed from a shocking red to a dull maroon...almost like he stopped using OMO and switched to Rin. There were also several close-ups of his Boots...I wasn’t high when I was watching this, so I kept on asking myself "did they just zoom into his boots?"
I now remember why I don’t particularly like him as a hero; he’s pretty dull. None of the borderline schizophrenia of Batman, and none of the likeable childhood joviality of Spiderman. The characters are also dull. The main press guy isn’t as brash and loud as Spiderman’s "Jameson" character and if this was a horror movie, Louis Lane would undoubtedly be the stereotypical blonde bimbo who gets slashed first. She’s about as credible as a Pulitzer Prize winner as I am a championship winning matador: firmly illustrated with her question to her boss: “how Many F’s are there in Catastrophe?” But funny enough, I still liked it.

Akin said...

Haba Nkem,

Only Victor Lewis Smith could attempt to have a patch on you in your review of Superman.

I suppose we can conclude it is an assured - must not see - film.

I spend my time more productively watching Wildlife on One - a Superman without a bulge is not worth a crippled monkey in the bush. :-)

Anonymous said...

The filmakers digitally reduced his "bulge" because of younger movie watchers...

Monef said...

I have to agree with delot, i kinda liked it. Apart from the woefulness of Kate Bosworth, I quite enjoyed the humanisation of Superman. However the stiffness of the cape did irritate me. Thinking of all the other blockbuster disappointments this summer has produced (X3 comes to mind)I'd see Superman again.

Alaye Scoro said...

People please don't mind Nkem, go and see the movie for yourself and make up your mind. I for one throughly enjoyed it.It probably wasn't the best movie I've seen this year, but then again neither was pirates of the Caribbean and look how much money that movie's made.
Whilst Nkem was right to point out a couple of dubious casting decisions, the fact of the matter is that they chose the PERFECT GUY to play Superman. If dem tell me say na Christopher Reeves pikin, I for don believe dem.

Superman was never the most exciting of super heroes so I don't know what everyone else was expecting. Any character that stands for Truth and Justice, is bound to be bland.

Onya Baquebeich said...

sorry to side step the main point of the blog but i need your technical assistance. anytime i click on the picture icon on in the text box, i''m able to browse and pick my images, but they never actually show in the text box...what a gwan?

tori said...

I agree. I thought it was garbage. And was I the only one who noticed Lois had no ass whatsoever and they had the audacity to zoom in on her butt? no? okay