Panic stations

This was a conversation that took place between me and a friend today. As you read, it'll help to note that I've only played football once since the summer of 2003. That said, the last time I played was in Egypt. I played in midfield, spraying balls like Steven Gerrard with a hosepipe, even making the assist for our team's goal. The game was the Nigerian and Ghanaian press corps against the Local Organising Committee. Yours truly went on in the second half when we were 1-0 down, a kind of talismanic Kanu to turn things around. We drew the game 1-1, and I was slightly feted afterwards.

After a three year hiatus of piling on the pounds, and generally plummeting fitness levels, I was ready for a moment in the limelight. I ignored the fact that just before I went to Egypt, a Nigerian nurse at my doctor's surgery had told me that I was overweight. When she asked me if I ate vegetables, I said, "well, if you count egusi and efo-". "What is the matter with you Nigerians?", she bellowed, "you take a few vegetables and soak it in palm oil, and you think you've eaten healthily? Anyway you have to lose weight, come back and see me in a month." This was about two months ago, I haven't booked my return appointment. Heaven help me tomorrow morning.

The Mixtape Bully says:
African Shirts got u playing Gallas 2morro
The Mixtape Bully says:
or even Terry
African Shirts says:
you have me in D?
The Mixtape Bully says:
aight
The Mixtape Bully says:
defence aint it?
African Shirts says:
I havent played defence since 98, but it's all good
The Mixtape Bully says:
lol
The Mixtape Bully says:
where do u play
The Mixtape Bully says:
glory hunter
African Shirts says:
lol
The Mixtape Bully says:
everybody na attacker
African Shirts says:
when I used to play defence I was good, so I'm hoping to relight some of my skills
The Mixtape Bully says:
thats the thing
The Mixtape Bully says:
even i might have to play defence
African Shirts says:
lol
The Mixtape Bully says:
when i know my asset is my pace
African Shirts says:
homie what kinda people did you get to play?
The Mixtape Bully says:
cos everybody claiming midfield/ attack
The Mixtape Bully says:
but obviously on the day we’ll have to sort it out
The Mixtape Bully says:
some south london team
The Mixtape Bully says:
will be tough
The Mixtape Bully says:
cos they ex-pros
African Shirts says:
kai! (roughly translates as "bloody hell!!")
The Mixtape Bully says:
released by their clubs
The Mixtape Bully says:
divs 1 and 2
The Mixtape Bully says:
i didnt want to tell u
African Shirts says:
damn!!!
The Mixtape Bully says:
cos told one or two peeps and they fazed by it
The Mixtape Bully says:
its not good to start match with that mentality
The Mixtape Bully says:
cos u go dey fear
The Mixtape Bully says:
so not tellin anyone else
African Shirts says:
its all good, we just wont tell anybody the score
The Mixtape Bully says:
lol
The Mixtape Bully says:
men we'll have them. as far as im concerned they're not pro cos their clubs released them
African Shirts says:
that's the spirit
The Mixtape Bully says:
jus hold ur own. ur big and u have presence jus assert it from the start
The Mixtape Bully says:
cos u one of people I’m really relying on to hold that back line
African Shirts says:
no shaking