Monday, June 05, 2006

Cheeky Monkey

Everchange accused me of thinking I'm too cool to accept any tags. I am... a very modest person, and proud of it too. So at the risk of being too "cool for skool", I shall do the "meme" (whatever that is), and do it with gusto. No holds barred. Shame on you Everchange, you cheeky monkey! BTW, this is not a license to tag.

A-Z meme

Accent – Fake. I have been slated for my accent before, and no doubt after the World Cup I’ll be slated again. It’s been through a few transitions, and in the past, it was described by a friend as a “mid-Atlantic” accent, which is supposed to be mixture of British, Nigerian, and American. Why American, considering I’d never lived there? I never liked having an American accent, and it took me a while to come to terms with it. I had to acknowledge that American popular culture had enormous influence on me through film, and especially music. I don’t have it anymore, dropped it like it was hot. As for how I speak now, this is a post in itself…
Booze – I don’t drink. Not for religious reasons, but I genuinely don’t like the taste of alcohol. Also, I’ve seen how alcohol turned perfectly gentle blue-eyed innocents into ASBO deservers. However, I am rather amenable to Ribena. Many a woman has tried to woo me with it. And succeeded.
Chore I hate – Shopping. Shopping malls are filled with pregnant women and their husbands, family planning having clearly failed, because they also come armed with their little toddlers to torment me and make my few hours in Bluewater a daymare. My idea of hell on earth? Ikea.
Dogs/Cats – Cats. Cats are independent, you don’t have to walk them, and wait for them with a poopa scoop. They come, they eat, they leave, they come. That said, when I when I was in short trousers, we have a French friend, whose cat used to freak me out as a child. During dinner, while sitting at the dining table, Pataboum would jump onto my lap and eat from my plate. Makes me shudder even now.
Essential electronics – Laptop, with wireless internet and webcam, and mobile phone. Laptop has everything on it, and can even record interviews on it with the webcam serving as a microphone. With wireless, I have tv and radio, and of course internet.
Favourite Perfume – 212 by Carolina Herrera.
Gold/Silver – I like my teeth gold, and my piercings silver. But even I couldn’t face down my mum over having those, so neither.
Hometown – What does this mean? I spent the first 13 years of my life in Ebute-Metta, Lagos. My father comes from Umu Onaga village in Awka, Anambra state. My mum comes from Omoku, Rivers State. I’ve been to Awka four times, Omoku a bit more than that. I don’t even speak Igbo or Ogba, so can hardly call either “hometown”. Haven’t lived in Lagos in 13 years, lived in London for only three. Hometown, what hometown?
Insomnia – Not as an ilness, but as a result of readjusting sleeping patterns. Nothing stops me form sleeping.
Job Title – Freelance journalist. Emphasis on the “freelance”, which is a euphemism for the dole queue. But things have looked up recently.
Kids – How many I have now, or wish to have? On how many I have now, none. None that I know of. Hold on, postman ringing – twice… What’s this? Looks like a letter from the child support agency… How much? You’re kidding me. I’m not paying anything until I get the DNA results. On having kids. I have a declaration to make, I don’t think I’ll leave them any inheritance. They should make their own way in the world. Mama, if you’re reading this, don’t choke on your pepper soup.
Living arrangements – Room in a house. But since Prescott has now vacated Dorneywood, who knows?
Most admired trait – If people knew my history well enough, they’d say luck. I’ve had more second and third chances than you can shake a stick at. Yep, He is a God of second chances.
Number of sexual partners – Male or female? Nobody wants to answer this for fear of being judged. I’m not about to be branded as promiscuous, a stud muffin, a prude, or a native of Virginia. Having said that…
Overnight hospital stays – Twice, I think, that I can remember. Once for the first and only time I had malaria. Another time for what the doctors suggested was epilepsy, despite never having shown signs. Looked it up years later, turned out it was a panic attack. Silly Togolese doctors.
Phobia – Mild peeves like grotty Victoria station pigeons, and rain. Like Melissa Elliott once sang, “I can’t stand the rain”.
Quote – “Modesty will get you nowhere, flattery will get you some places, and self-promotion will get you everywhere.” I made that one up.
Religion – Christian. Pentecostal, of the liberal variety. And no, it is not an oxymoron.
Siblings – As they say in Spanish, depende. Single child to my mother. Number two of seven (I think) to my father. Very intriguing story which I won’t blog about, because I intend to make some money from it, by selling the story in future. My family won’t thank me…
Time I usually awake – Depende. Ideally at 7 or at 9. Before 7 is annoying and is an indicator of being a fully paid up member of the rat race. In between 7 and 9, and I’ll miss the Today programme. After 9 is just laziness and/or joblessness – both to which I often subscribe.
Unusual talent – Haven’t found it yet. Gave up looking after the roof incident when I took R. Kelly’s I Believe I Can Fly a bit literally.
Vegetable I refuse to eat – Most. Grass is for cows. Mushrooms are fungi, cooked onions might as well be worms (which are rumoured to be nutritious). I have very unsophisticated palettes, and I get suspicious of any food north of the Sahara. After school once, I went into my mum’s office in tears, for fear that when I got home, “they will give me food”. Only heaven knows how I grew. This explains why my mum calls me a “bush man”.
Worst habit – Procrastination. I am the king of procrastination. I hold a black belt in procrastination, I am the cruiserweight procrastination champion of the world. I’m sure you get the picture. So yah… What was I supposed to be doing again? Blogging? Nah, I’ll do it later.
X-rays – Once, for secondary school. Come to think of it, the earliest traces of my condition (craziness) started then. Who can I sue?
Yummy foods I make – Ah. Fried plantains, of course. Before you sneer, there is an art to frying plantain, and I have it down to a tee. On a deep fat fryer, 170 degrees or just below is perfect. Flip it about 7 minutes in. And, I make what can only be described as badass stew.
Zodiac sign – Taurus. The Bull. Didn’t realise I was stubborn until a couple of years ago. Plus my room looks like a bull just chased a red rag through it.

11 comments:

Onada said...

LOL you wont kill me... you like your teeth gold!!! and why are u waiting till after the world cup to have ur accent slated again ??

You did a good job with this tag, we should tag you more often !!!

Akin said...

Shopping! you've said it all.

Besides, I do wonder where you have drawn the line between lunacy and insanity - I cannot stop chuckling.

You are the prefect - taggee.

ayoke said...

Somebody is nuts oh!!!!!!!!!!!

This guy, are you normal? And the "depende" part brings crazy Portuguese language class memories, which I'll probably blog about.

So, I'm a fully paid up member of the rat race? No be your fault! Come and live in Lagos :)

And I love mushrooms!! Fungi ko! Are you sure the bull didn't chase a red rag through more than your room??????

Men! Do I like you!

O.K., back to normal: "Did I actually write all the above?"

Everchange said...

Yay! Admit it Nkem-- you won't have done this if I hadn't goaded you!!

Piercings...interesting. Ebute Metta...very very familiar. Selling your family secrets to the highest (most adoring) bidder? Priceless.

Nneka's World said...

I love your A-Z, its too funny.

So you are from Awka?

I would love to read your secrets.

Oi dont be condemning we the rat race!
But i feel you on that one, sometimes i wish i can be a kept woman

Morountodun said...

Your response to the question "Hometown" was interesting. It sounds like the Nigerian "Where are you from" after a few years of sojourning (and in some cases generations and decades) the question becomes increasingly more difficult to answer.

Oh-So-Bored said...

LOL nice detailed answers. I've read alot of the tags out there and yours is one of the funny ones I've come across.

Too Me to blog said...

Nice quote - so very true. u've captured the hearts of the community of blog-taggers. they'll soon turn ur blog into a meme (whatever that is)!

Jide Alakija said...

Procastination????? Nah mate...you don't procastinate, I think you have firm priorities. Just not on the same level as most other people, I mean I've never seen you procastinate on your PS2.

Anonymous said...

Thin line between insanity and genius - babangida-esque? And you think you're walking that line? You really sound a lot more insane than smart. Don't fool yourself, man. You're not that smart - or funny!

Uju said...

Nkem who are u lying to, typing this crap from the cyber cafe next to Awka's main market...biko ma frien no dey lie like this